Today has been a very hard step to take, getting to today has been too. However I feel that it's a step that's needed to be taken and I feel I can move forward.
I've been looking at self sabotage this week, my behaviours and I've really thought about the effect this last 8 months has had on my family. Yes, it wasn't initially my fault that our family has been blown to smitherines.....(that's another story), but my behaviours and the effect it has made my kids suffer.
I think when you're in that 'bubble' and thinking that the only way out is to starve yourself to death and not be alive anymore then you don't realise it has a massive effect on the people around you. My mum has suffered, she watched me have another heart attack this summer, the kids have suffered as a result of me constantly getting swept into a pattern of self sabotage and therefore they haven't seen me or been living with mummy. It kills me to admit that I've been cruel and selfish, that's not the whole of me but it has become a part of me.
This idea was presented to me last week in therapy and I wouldn't admit it. I was stuck on the fact that it wasn't the case. I've nearly lost everything over the last 8 months. And now unless I could see that I was been cruel, then own it, I couldn't continue in therapy.
But todays massive step was talking about all of this openly in therapy and making that decision (by not purging all week) that I am ready to move on from it. I also think the part that helped was went when I said to my tutors at college (after a massive stress of me worrying as norm) that I admit the anorexia is killing me and my babies need a well mummy.
For the first time in months, I feel alive now and like I have the ability to move forward. I need to restore my weight and get my health back on track but I'm at the start. Also, I'm out of the crisis mode, the ball of s*** that I get caught up in and am constantly out of control and it's not pleasant.
I admit I need to move on towards been with my kids, and to been the successful, healthy, confident person I can be. To find Claire in there somewhere also!
I don't know where I'm going, but I know I'm on my way.
I've been looking at self sabotage this week, my behaviours and I've really thought about the effect this last 8 months has had on my family. Yes, it wasn't initially my fault that our family has been blown to smitherines.....(that's another story), but my behaviours and the effect it has made my kids suffer.
I think when you're in that 'bubble' and thinking that the only way out is to starve yourself to death and not be alive anymore then you don't realise it has a massive effect on the people around you. My mum has suffered, she watched me have another heart attack this summer, the kids have suffered as a result of me constantly getting swept into a pattern of self sabotage and therefore they haven't seen me or been living with mummy. It kills me to admit that I've been cruel and selfish, that's not the whole of me but it has become a part of me.
This idea was presented to me last week in therapy and I wouldn't admit it. I was stuck on the fact that it wasn't the case. I've nearly lost everything over the last 8 months. And now unless I could see that I was been cruel, then own it, I couldn't continue in therapy.
But todays massive step was talking about all of this openly in therapy and making that decision (by not purging all week) that I am ready to move on from it. I also think the part that helped was went when I said to my tutors at college (after a massive stress of me worrying as norm) that I admit the anorexia is killing me and my babies need a well mummy.
For the first time in months, I feel alive now and like I have the ability to move forward. I need to restore my weight and get my health back on track but I'm at the start. Also, I'm out of the crisis mode, the ball of s*** that I get caught up in and am constantly out of control and it's not pleasant.
I admit I need to move on towards been with my kids, and to been the successful, healthy, confident person I can be. To find Claire in there somewhere also!
I don't know where I'm going, but I know I'm on my way.
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