So I'm sat here at nearly 30 years old (probably about 18 years since my issues began), and I'm falling back onto my food beliefs again. They're becoming so strong.
I have the rules for everyday life and I get on with them in a rigid routine.....if anything throws me off like an unexpected night out or a spur of the moment family walk, then I'm screwed and the clutter becomes visible.
The clutter has been a relatively constant thing, I enjoy cleaning out things and throwing things away to create a clean feeling. The clean feeling makes me feel better about myself. But the weight is also something I'm trying to constantly 'throw out' or 'bin' to make me feel better. As the scales go down my confidence grows. And if my living room is spik and span then I feel totally amazing. It's like I like to always have a clean wall. If anyone marks that wall or I get a splodge on it then I'm extremely unhappy. But whereas people usually only dip a little and get on with it I nose dive and totally go out of control. The focus on weight and control becomes less of an everyday balance to something I cannot get out of my head. Like right now even in recovery I feel a storm brewing inside. We've just finished bringing back all the 'crap' we left at the old house when we moved a few weeks ago and now it's in my shiny new house.....and I feel messy and chaotic and crap.....
I am feeling 100lbs bigger and like I'm not giving my body enough punishment for been me. Until this morning I was slightly relaxed (as I say carrying out my rituals and ways but in a healthy manner) and bam I'm now so anxious inside I want to cry.
I'm trying to work out though and challenge this clutter thought. I've thrown away as much as I can throw away. It's all stuff we need.....cloths in a cupboard under the sink and dvds in a cupboard.....and wedding photo albums in storage. Is this clutter or is this lived in? Rationalise here, we have 3 kids and we keep a clean tidy house. It's not clutter, it's belongings. There is no need to panic.
and now I start the process of trying to rationalise my self belief and body image to co inside with been able to rationalise thoughts like above. It's a hard thing to grasp but as I go further in recovery I feel more settled with doing it.
Here are some of the affirmations I need to focus on;
Today, I will concentrate on taking one step forward, however small.
Whatever my weight today, I am a worthwhile person with valuable contributions to make to those around me.
It is often easier to know what to do than to do it. Today I will do those things that strengthen my recovery.
I cannot see the outcome of the journey, but I can take the next step.
I have the will, the strength and the desire to continue working on recovery.
I have the rules for everyday life and I get on with them in a rigid routine.....if anything throws me off like an unexpected night out or a spur of the moment family walk, then I'm screwed and the clutter becomes visible.
The clutter has been a relatively constant thing, I enjoy cleaning out things and throwing things away to create a clean feeling. The clean feeling makes me feel better about myself. But the weight is also something I'm trying to constantly 'throw out' or 'bin' to make me feel better. As the scales go down my confidence grows. And if my living room is spik and span then I feel totally amazing. It's like I like to always have a clean wall. If anyone marks that wall or I get a splodge on it then I'm extremely unhappy. But whereas people usually only dip a little and get on with it I nose dive and totally go out of control. The focus on weight and control becomes less of an everyday balance to something I cannot get out of my head. Like right now even in recovery I feel a storm brewing inside. We've just finished bringing back all the 'crap' we left at the old house when we moved a few weeks ago and now it's in my shiny new house.....and I feel messy and chaotic and crap.....
I am feeling 100lbs bigger and like I'm not giving my body enough punishment for been me. Until this morning I was slightly relaxed (as I say carrying out my rituals and ways but in a healthy manner) and bam I'm now so anxious inside I want to cry.
I'm trying to work out though and challenge this clutter thought. I've thrown away as much as I can throw away. It's all stuff we need.....cloths in a cupboard under the sink and dvds in a cupboard.....and wedding photo albums in storage. Is this clutter or is this lived in? Rationalise here, we have 3 kids and we keep a clean tidy house. It's not clutter, it's belongings. There is no need to panic.
and now I start the process of trying to rationalise my self belief and body image to co inside with been able to rationalise thoughts like above. It's a hard thing to grasp but as I go further in recovery I feel more settled with doing it.
Here are some of the affirmations I need to focus on;
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