I've been doing recovery all wrong. I've worked out through therapy that me getting angry or lashing out with attempts on my life, delving deep into the anorexia and been in moments of crisis is because I'm so hurt and so angry with the past and how I wasn't protected growing up. But it's spoiling the here and now for me. It's spoiling my life as it has for the past 20 years nearly. I now need to change how I'm dealing with things.
I've been trying to deem every treatment sent my way or any help useless. I tried it again last week with my new psychotherapist, the treatment we've all been holding out for as nothing else has worked. I got upset after a session digging deep into the abuse of the past and had a week in crisis mode. Maybe because I was showing that the therapy wasn't going to work as I am so broken from the past. But it doesn't have to be like that. My eating behaviours are so bad at the moment and it's horrible, I'm back to not been able to prepare food for the family and kids. It needs to change, India is a bright spark and she will already be onto the fact mummy doesn't eat, what example is that for a little girl. I want her to be empowered and inspired by me.
That's how my recovery needs to be, I need to feel empowered and inspired. I need to do everything I can to stay on that level. I don't need to rush ahead to please people, or hang around where I am and wait for all the work to be done for me. I need to work hard at this and recover. I've been lying to myself and others pretending I'm aye ok when I'm not and it's lead to dark places. I'm ashamed of who I am and my issues. Very ashamed. I'd rather harm myself and keep quiet about it than face it.
So I think when I go to therapy this week I need to be open about what I feel will or won't work. I need to say that my eating is a massive issue that I do need support with.....but I need to do the work.
I guess I've learnt that I need to surround myself with positive people, not people who are negative on my recovery or illness, I need to be honest with myself and others, I need to learn from my kids that there's an innocence in life that makes you enjoy it and break free from the bad stuff and mostly I need to stop been angry. I am not to blame for the actions of certain people, abuse as an adult and a child isn't something you choose or ask for.....and been too scared to speak up or feel you won't be believed isn't anything to feel ashamed off. I hope now that I will be believed and I can speak out and get rid of the pain inside of me.
Dark stuff indeed.....to brighten it up, I'm looking forward and aiming to be a 'normal' parent at school next week at my daughters first official nativity....and she has a starring role as Mary! Fab. Live life through a childs eyes.
I've been trying to deem every treatment sent my way or any help useless. I tried it again last week with my new psychotherapist, the treatment we've all been holding out for as nothing else has worked. I got upset after a session digging deep into the abuse of the past and had a week in crisis mode. Maybe because I was showing that the therapy wasn't going to work as I am so broken from the past. But it doesn't have to be like that. My eating behaviours are so bad at the moment and it's horrible, I'm back to not been able to prepare food for the family and kids. It needs to change, India is a bright spark and she will already be onto the fact mummy doesn't eat, what example is that for a little girl. I want her to be empowered and inspired by me.
That's how my recovery needs to be, I need to feel empowered and inspired. I need to do everything I can to stay on that level. I don't need to rush ahead to please people, or hang around where I am and wait for all the work to be done for me. I need to work hard at this and recover. I've been lying to myself and others pretending I'm aye ok when I'm not and it's lead to dark places. I'm ashamed of who I am and my issues. Very ashamed. I'd rather harm myself and keep quiet about it than face it.
So I think when I go to therapy this week I need to be open about what I feel will or won't work. I need to say that my eating is a massive issue that I do need support with.....but I need to do the work.
I guess I've learnt that I need to surround myself with positive people, not people who are negative on my recovery or illness, I need to be honest with myself and others, I need to learn from my kids that there's an innocence in life that makes you enjoy it and break free from the bad stuff and mostly I need to stop been angry. I am not to blame for the actions of certain people, abuse as an adult and a child isn't something you choose or ask for.....and been too scared to speak up or feel you won't be believed isn't anything to feel ashamed off. I hope now that I will be believed and I can speak out and get rid of the pain inside of me.
Dark stuff indeed.....to brighten it up, I'm looking forward and aiming to be a 'normal' parent at school next week at my daughters first official nativity....and she has a starring role as Mary! Fab. Live life through a childs eyes.
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