My perception on the world and life has changed recently. I used to think that I wanted to constantly die....but now I don't. I have bad feelings and intense feelings but I can deal with them by thinking of other ways around it or talking it through with someone other than the crisis team. This has been a massive step in itself for me. A huge step. The anorexia remains the same......that's going to be the next thing to tackle. But by changing my thinking around the personality disorder it's really improved my life.
A few weeks after having Hugo a brilliant nurse who I've worked with for years now suggested that I started doing my thought diaries now and again and trying to be more hands on with changing the way I feel. The team used to visit everyday or call and we weren't getting anywhere really with the whole talking thing. I was determined that I was going to die and that I didn't see any point in even picking up a pen to do my thought diaries. When I had the space from the children though I started doing thought diaries and other work I'd done while in The Retreat on the EDU. Breaking it down and focusing on it helped me massively. It was easier to deal with any stresses or problems daily as I was dealing with them head on and getting an alternative outcome from it. A more positive view. And bit by bit I came out of crisis mode and was still having to do work daily otherwise I would notice a dip.
So work has really helped, and the meds of course. Another thing that I think has helped is my daughter starting school and me socialising on the school run. Since I'd cut out all my social life apart from costa and going to the odd play centre with the children I had isolated myself and I've always been a really social person with the skating and personal training. It's helped me feel a bit more like Claire and feel like I have a purpose. I like to look nice when I go to school and I like to say morning to everyone. It helps me start the day. I've moved on to going to see friends, going out with friends sometimes, trying to PT again and even skating (or trying to) again.
That is 2 things that have helped me get further on into my recovery. I'm finding the last one really difficult. I started psychotherapy a few weeks back and I'm starting to struggle as I get further into it. It's making me think alot which is good but then it's the bigger things that are coming up now and the fact I don't like to feel and constantly avoid doing so that's making it really difficult. I detach and try as many ways as possible to get through life staying numb and closed up. From the outside you'd think I'm one of the most confident people ever because I'm so chatty and will socialise with anyone. But to feel and deal with life events I'm numb and avoidance is my biggest strategy.
I'm going through the pros and cons at the moment of staying as I am. So far into the anorexia and ED and not feeling anything about what's happened. Or do I move on. And start to feel about the past and move on from self destructing. For some reason I feel like I was born without a worth. Born without a reason and I cannot shake that out of my head. I hate myself and feel like if I died it wouldn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm self destructing myself aslong as the kids are ok. So to try and find a purpose at the age of 30 is very hard. I'm sure it'll get there but in the mean time I have to feel crap and horrible and upset about the past and I guess I have to face the crap to get to the good bit. A bit like a really burnt cake......that's awful on the outside but inside it's lovely.
A few weeks after having Hugo a brilliant nurse who I've worked with for years now suggested that I started doing my thought diaries now and again and trying to be more hands on with changing the way I feel. The team used to visit everyday or call and we weren't getting anywhere really with the whole talking thing. I was determined that I was going to die and that I didn't see any point in even picking up a pen to do my thought diaries. When I had the space from the children though I started doing thought diaries and other work I'd done while in The Retreat on the EDU. Breaking it down and focusing on it helped me massively. It was easier to deal with any stresses or problems daily as I was dealing with them head on and getting an alternative outcome from it. A more positive view. And bit by bit I came out of crisis mode and was still having to do work daily otherwise I would notice a dip.
So work has really helped, and the meds of course. Another thing that I think has helped is my daughter starting school and me socialising on the school run. Since I'd cut out all my social life apart from costa and going to the odd play centre with the children I had isolated myself and I've always been a really social person with the skating and personal training. It's helped me feel a bit more like Claire and feel like I have a purpose. I like to look nice when I go to school and I like to say morning to everyone. It helps me start the day. I've moved on to going to see friends, going out with friends sometimes, trying to PT again and even skating (or trying to) again.
That is 2 things that have helped me get further on into my recovery. I'm finding the last one really difficult. I started psychotherapy a few weeks back and I'm starting to struggle as I get further into it. It's making me think alot which is good but then it's the bigger things that are coming up now and the fact I don't like to feel and constantly avoid doing so that's making it really difficult. I detach and try as many ways as possible to get through life staying numb and closed up. From the outside you'd think I'm one of the most confident people ever because I'm so chatty and will socialise with anyone. But to feel and deal with life events I'm numb and avoidance is my biggest strategy.
I'm going through the pros and cons at the moment of staying as I am. So far into the anorexia and ED and not feeling anything about what's happened. Or do I move on. And start to feel about the past and move on from self destructing. For some reason I feel like I was born without a worth. Born without a reason and I cannot shake that out of my head. I hate myself and feel like if I died it wouldn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm self destructing myself aslong as the kids are ok. So to try and find a purpose at the age of 30 is very hard. I'm sure it'll get there but in the mean time I have to feel crap and horrible and upset about the past and I guess I have to face the crap to get to the good bit. A bit like a really burnt cake......that's awful on the outside but inside it's lovely.
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