I've been home from inpatient treatment for 6 weeks today....feels like 60! I feel a certain sense of loosing control which I haven't felt for a while, like I'm missing been in control in the wrong way. Hope that writing this will keep me recovery focused and able to fight in the way I have been for the past 6 weeks.
Don't get me wrong it's been far from perfect since I've been home, thrown in with the fact that I had to come home due to the consultant not thinking it was the right place at the right time for me in hospital. That's my sense of regret, that things out of my control were seen as something else and that led me to discharge. So fighting and been recovery focused from the moment I got into the car has been a choice, which all of you know if you have anorexia is a very difficult decision to make (it's taken me 13-15 years to finally do recovery right). I'm going to be honest about what happened at The Retreat, as you're probably wondering what happened. To talk about it makes my blood boil and continuing with recovery has been a massive thing for me since this happened. When I had been in York for 6 weeks I had an inkling that I could be pregnant, I did a test and it was a faint positive and due to dates I'd been at home etc I knew that it wasn't going to be a full term pregnancy. Keeping my focus on the programme and day to day recovery I didn't tell anyone (we've been through this at least half a dozen times). A few days later I went to the toilet and was bleeding, the following day I passed a foetus in the toilet. The pain was horrific and at once i knew what had happened. Devastated but not wanting to cause a drama I didn't tell any staff till the next night what had happened. I had taken pics of the baby and saved it in my phone with another one we had lost a while back. It looked like a baby boy and 16 weeks. Long story short, it became an unfair conclusion when I got discharged that I had made this up and when I got home my community nurse mentioned the unit had ideas of Munchhausen's. I was disgusted and absolutely heartbroken. For someone who has lost babies before and as a mother, also as a person who worries about what people think and won't even ask for medical help when I need it or doubts some days I have anorexia I felt absolutely crap. Yes it was spoken about at discharge but I explained everything and I just feel I've been unheard. So not only discharged, I had no meal plans, no follow up booked.....nothing apart from advice to keep my physical monitoring up at the GP.
Despite the above and still grieving for our baby boy (Hector), I have continued to follow my weight gain meal plan which I was on during my admission and am choosing recovery! I've not stopped purging fully and therefore not gaining weight but I have a better quality of life b because of the choice I've made. I can do things like sit with my kids, walk short distances with them, take them to dance class, have their friends to play.....and it feels amazing! My husband isn't constantly fighting with me about how negative I am or how fed up I am, I can sit with him on an evening instead of pacing around the house. I think recovery = life and I'm a long way of recovered but I'm doing it at home......
Writing this has made me realise what I'm doing and why! It doesn't matter what happened in the unit, I know and so does my husband. My community team has gone against the Munchhausen's diagnosis much to my relief and soon I will start outpatient treatment again. It's about turning your life around, it's about fighting this monster and anything else that gets in your way! xx xx This is for my babies....and Hector.
xxxxx
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