Finding out I was pregnant was one of the greatest moments in my life and and following miscarriages which may have been caused by my eating disorder I was determined to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. To me it wasn't an option to not challenge the thoughts of the eating disorder and loose this baby.
That doesn't mean that its been an easy road and my eating disorder has been there waiting to trip me up on many occasions.
I guess one of the challenges I've had is pregnancy weight gain....and watching my body change shape. I've gone from been so in control of my weight to not having any control about what's gone on and because I was underweight before pregnancy I've had to put more weight on to be able to carry my baby safely. The thing that helped me to settle with this thought was looking at a normal pregnancy weight breakdown with my CPN. There's resources on the NHS website which show this and it's handy to help rationalise where the weight is put on. I was able to look and link what weight was baby...what was water etc.
The other biggest challenge was getting rid of all my behaviours. The purging, laxitives, restriction and bingeing. Again although these stopped I had the Ed voice waiting at every chance to tell me that I should be using behaviours to stop the weight gain and to have control. With a dietician and my CPN, planning for 3 meals a day and snacks and keeping this regular to feed baby helped stop the urge to binge and therefore compensatory behaviours weren't needed as I hadn't lost control but I have had strong feelings of a loss of control by increasing my intake. Having a scan picture on my phone to look at during these moments or sitting and planning for baby distracted me during these times......it was motivation for the thing myself and my husband had been wanting for years. Plus why should my Ed ruin another thing for me?
I feel my Ed has been there throughout my pregnancy but I didn't realise it until i stopped with morning sickness. I fell pregnant just before Christmas and although I was aware of what I was eating It didn't fully bother me. I had severe morning sickness (they should call it all day sickness) causing me to be off work and also meaning that some days I couldn't even keep water down. This lasted until April although it eased off. When I speak to my husband about it or my CPN I realise that the morning sickness helped me mask my fears about eating . Although my morning sickness was genuine it was compensating and it took me a while to realise this. Once my sickness had totally stopped I struggled majorly with my food and to stick to an appropriate intake and the same challenges were there. Snacks felt like a binge, meals felt like too much and I felt like I should be restricting even though the most amazing thing was happening inside of me, this left a massive feeling of guilt. I had a turning point when I looked back at some pictures of last year before I was pregnant and for the first time I realised I did look ill and I started to appreciate my body more and I decided to tackle this once and for all.
The last trimester has bought concerns about loosing my baby weight when she's arrived and has meant that I just need to remember to challenge my illness every time it tells me I should be trying to loose weight now. I know rationally its not safe and its not healthy and I want to be healthy when baby arrives and to be able to cope. I never want her to pick up on any issues or struggle like I have in the past. I want to be a role model and therefore need to choose recovery.......
As i come to the end of my last trimester and i've been reflecting on how my pregnancy has been and what's going to happen over the next few months I am worried about how my ED will be after the birth and have plans in place to help me deal with my new adventure. However the realisation has been that i will no longer be able to control much of my life in the same respect as I have before. When people talk about having babies and how it changes your world i've always thought that i'd deal with it and just carry on how I always have and i'll have the control I always have......but now I see that I will have this new life and routine etc will change. That's a scary thought but the sooner you can realise this and talk it through with someone the better. I'm now (almost) prepared that it's going to be a whole new learning process and there's only so much you can plan for. Until baby arrives I don't have a clue what's going to be possible and whats not. I feel ready to let go of the Ed so I can be a good mum, role model and start living again. It's taken me a while to get to this stage and I know it's nowhere near the end of my recovery....it's another step though.
Its been really important for me to use my support network and be open in order to keep myself and baby safe! I'd say try to take one day at a time. Try to be around other mums to be and try and appreciate what your body is doing just like they do. Don't put yourself down or beat yourself up if you have a blip. Just pick yourself up and continue. Each meal should be like an achievement....a step closer to getting a healthy baby.
Keep yourself safe through pregnancy...........keep fighting for yourself and your baby.
That doesn't mean that its been an easy road and my eating disorder has been there waiting to trip me up on many occasions.
I guess one of the challenges I've had is pregnancy weight gain....and watching my body change shape. I've gone from been so in control of my weight to not having any control about what's gone on and because I was underweight before pregnancy I've had to put more weight on to be able to carry my baby safely. The thing that helped me to settle with this thought was looking at a normal pregnancy weight breakdown with my CPN. There's resources on the NHS website which show this and it's handy to help rationalise where the weight is put on. I was able to look and link what weight was baby...what was water etc.
The other biggest challenge was getting rid of all my behaviours. The purging, laxitives, restriction and bingeing. Again although these stopped I had the Ed voice waiting at every chance to tell me that I should be using behaviours to stop the weight gain and to have control. With a dietician and my CPN, planning for 3 meals a day and snacks and keeping this regular to feed baby helped stop the urge to binge and therefore compensatory behaviours weren't needed as I hadn't lost control but I have had strong feelings of a loss of control by increasing my intake. Having a scan picture on my phone to look at during these moments or sitting and planning for baby distracted me during these times......it was motivation for the thing myself and my husband had been wanting for years. Plus why should my Ed ruin another thing for me?
I feel my Ed has been there throughout my pregnancy but I didn't realise it until i stopped with morning sickness. I fell pregnant just before Christmas and although I was aware of what I was eating It didn't fully bother me. I had severe morning sickness (they should call it all day sickness) causing me to be off work and also meaning that some days I couldn't even keep water down. This lasted until April although it eased off. When I speak to my husband about it or my CPN I realise that the morning sickness helped me mask my fears about eating . Although my morning sickness was genuine it was compensating and it took me a while to realise this. Once my sickness had totally stopped I struggled majorly with my food and to stick to an appropriate intake and the same challenges were there. Snacks felt like a binge, meals felt like too much and I felt like I should be restricting even though the most amazing thing was happening inside of me, this left a massive feeling of guilt. I had a turning point when I looked back at some pictures of last year before I was pregnant and for the first time I realised I did look ill and I started to appreciate my body more and I decided to tackle this once and for all.
The last trimester has bought concerns about loosing my baby weight when she's arrived and has meant that I just need to remember to challenge my illness every time it tells me I should be trying to loose weight now. I know rationally its not safe and its not healthy and I want to be healthy when baby arrives and to be able to cope. I never want her to pick up on any issues or struggle like I have in the past. I want to be a role model and therefore need to choose recovery.......
As i come to the end of my last trimester and i've been reflecting on how my pregnancy has been and what's going to happen over the next few months I am worried about how my ED will be after the birth and have plans in place to help me deal with my new adventure. However the realisation has been that i will no longer be able to control much of my life in the same respect as I have before. When people talk about having babies and how it changes your world i've always thought that i'd deal with it and just carry on how I always have and i'll have the control I always have......but now I see that I will have this new life and routine etc will change. That's a scary thought but the sooner you can realise this and talk it through with someone the better. I'm now (almost) prepared that it's going to be a whole new learning process and there's only so much you can plan for. Until baby arrives I don't have a clue what's going to be possible and whats not. I feel ready to let go of the Ed so I can be a good mum, role model and start living again. It's taken me a while to get to this stage and I know it's nowhere near the end of my recovery....it's another step though.
Its been really important for me to use my support network and be open in order to keep myself and baby safe! I'd say try to take one day at a time. Try to be around other mums to be and try and appreciate what your body is doing just like they do. Don't put yourself down or beat yourself up if you have a blip. Just pick yourself up and continue. Each meal should be like an achievement....a step closer to getting a healthy baby.
Keep yourself safe through pregnancy...........keep fighting for yourself and your baby.
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